Cherry Blossom Festival

OMG ; Cherry Blossom Festival was SUPER BAWM . I got to see my old KentLake Asians , & so much other people ! I saw Andrew too , hahah . It was fun , Filipino Club performed , we did GREAT ! besides the fact that Nikki & Sandra didn't make it on time from the band concert I told them not to go to , so poor Gerry & Jayson , who have been practicing FOREVER couldn't even perform with us , I felt bad I was like stressing too , & I was like almost in tears , I gave them both hugs no kisses (those cost !); other than that Me & atehh Nikki were together the whole time , we watched we walked around , we ran around like crazy maniacs , it was crazy ! & fun , I saw helluh people I met helluh people . Hahahah one thing that shocked me , was Mailan & atehh Johann , calling me & telling me how many guys thought I was hott ? hahah Quote:"Mann the guys were ALL OVER YOU ! They won't shut up about you , all we can hear is:'DAMNN she can MOVEE !' hahah" HAHHAHAHA ; Ohh I saw Jomar , & he told me to sit by him ? That was weird . hahah . It was weird when we were performing , I hear a couple guys yell: "ANG CUTE CUTE NAMAN !" hahahah ; and then when we were taking off the skirts there were like SOO much guys in there ... (BAWM ASIAN ONES !) anywhoo . hahah but when we were taking off the skirts the crowd went crazy . Hahah ; I heard helluh,"TAKE IT OFFF !" LMFAOOOO ! haha that made my day . ahhah ; And then when we were done performing me & nikki were all going through the audiences & stufff and we heard so much guys" YOU GUYS ARE BAWM !" ; "you're hot" ; " You guys were so good' ; "so sexy" LMFAOO ! You know what made me MAD ?! When me & atehh nikki were going through the crowd I felt my ass violated multiple times -__- I was gunna SLAP a hoe . hahah . But I'm too nice (; Still I LOVED last year's Cherry Blossom at KentWood for some reason ? prolly cause I was with Krista . hahah . I miss that girl ; but WOW ! Cherry Blossom was so fun ! Ohh yeahh ! I got free food ! & I saw Marion & Angelo & JIEMM ! with his LONG HAIR ! and I saw Vicky & Kimmay ! WOOH !
It was the best , can't wait till we have it at KM (;

Biting more than you can chew will just end up in you choking .

OHHMY-G . Can someone help me . I mean , seriously , I am just way over the top ughh ! Like , I have multiple projects , IRP , Fahrenheit451 Website , Visfest , Way Back Machine , Mathematician Project , and all these Math Worksheets (7 to be exact that I have to make up) , then I have singing music shit , KM Royal Idol , being the only freshmen girl finalist , and my voice teacher which I only had for a month is leaving to Ecuador to teach music , but She has given me so much to do , The Filipino Choir At St. Stephens (They have a funeral mass , and all the lent & Easter & regular masses); Then I have orchestra stuff , and piano & guitar stuff ; and then the visfest thing , so I'm learning 20 songs at once . And then I have Tennis , which I have been too sick to go to but still do when I can ; Then I have Filipino club thing . We're dancing for Cherry Blossom , I wasn't even supposed to be in the dance thing , but because I learned it fast and all , I became one of the leaders for it , the Filipino dance thing is like way more than just one dance , its traditional dancing & Pamela One & a little bit of other things , and I have to edit the music , get the costumes going , make choreography . I just realized that I have to work out the rides situation & give some people rides & all this all that , I also have to cleanup our dance and make everything sharp , and teach them the choreography . And then I am getting back to Martial Arts , which is even harder because I haven't been back since a year or two & I'm like a green belt -_- and also I might get back to swimming because I want to do King . And then I might be in a couple plays , and I have a social life to balance out too . And I am just over loaded . I think my mom was right when she said I bite off more than I can chew . I wish she wasn't . -__-

Current Satus: messedupcycleoflovehatelust .

Jesus mighty lord help me ! Why is it that I am always in some type of drama ? Drama drama drama drama ! Wow . Like I don't even start drama , I get pulled into it . And someone called me last night , and everything was okay & good then stuff started to come out in the conversation , and it like started stuff , and messed things up for me & him , so its like ughh ! We were all good , we were friends you know ? After what happened a month or 2 ago . Everything was fine ! we we're like besties , But why does it have to be like that ? Every single time , we don't talk for months & then when we actually do finally talk , its amazing but then when it gets so close & we're up to the point where we're reminiscing about the past we stop talking again for months . It's so fcckn hard .. Like every single time we try to be friends , it doesn't work out , because it builds up to something more than friends . It gets on my nerves . And like we talk ALLOT now on the phone , but in person its like , what the hell . I don't even know , Like with me - with everyone I know , its not awkward at all , I don't like awkward I hate the word awkward , I would kill it . I'm cool with everyone . Except him , it gets on my nerves ! UGHHH ;
gottdamn .

Challenge Day .

WAS THE BEST . First Lets talk about what challenge day is really about . Challenge day is a day where everyone accepts themselves completely for who they are . "A day where students celebrate the diversity of all people ; And negative comments , thoughts , behaviors that hurt people are abandoned . A day where we are all real with each other . Basically it's a day where we do alot of fun activities , with other students , adults , and teachers . The whole goals of the whole ebent is to increase personal power , self-esteem , to shift dangerous peer pressure to positive peer support and to eliminate the acceptability of teasing , violence , and all form of oppression . They're designed to unite the members of the school and / or community and to empower them to carry the themes back to the greater school population . Teens are challenged to be the change they want to see in the world ." It was amazing . I'm one of the Challenge day team Leaders' , So I had some responsibility , I was in charge of a group . But it was amazing . Like , we had so much fun , we played a whole bunch of cool games , met a whole bunch of new people did so much interesting activities . Allot of people stepped out of their comfort zone , they came out of the closet , they didn't have their mask on that they put to hide the real them , they didn't act fake . Everyone actually acted like themselves , and didn't care . Nobody judged anyone , nobody teased or put anyone down . It was amazing . I just loved it over all . But after we got through the fun stuff . We started getting into the more serious stuff . And when the leaders started telling their stories I started crying . I'm not gunna lie . I started tearing up . Their stories touched my heart . Also because I could relate to it . then we got in our little "family" groups , and we started talking about our stories . And I was crying so hard . When I heard Tommy's story . I was dead in tears . He used to look up to his father like a hero , and when he was little his father used to drive him to places and tell him not to tell his mom anything , and because he looked up to his dad , he didn't but then he got older , and his father had an affair with one of his teachers . And he just came home one day looking for his dad , His mom told him that his dad couldn't live with them anymore . Then he found out . That his father died . And he was dead in tears , I ran up to hug that boy and he was balling in my arms . He was the kind of tough guy that you thought could never cry . And he broke down in my arms . And Andrew too ! same thing he even said he wasn't gunna cry at all , he didn't even want to go in the first place , he thought it was stupid . And then . We did the activity that Challenge Day is known for .. "The Power Shuffle" or "Cross The Line" where they read off situations , and we had to cross the line if it applied to us and we had to be totally silent . And I'm not gonna lie .. I crossed for almost everyone of those except for probably 3 out of 40 situations . The ones that hit me the most , the one where you were always told you weren't good enough , the one where you had to go home to yelling and fights , the one where it was just for girls and how they were treated , and the last one .. If you've ever been a child cross the line . The last one people had to think . I didn't cross the line . And it was just so much . Those were the ones where I was balling , and people had to hold me while crossing the line . The last one was too much . I couldn't even go to my seat . Then after that we had to go back into our little families and talk about it , it was so hard for me because I was balling , but then after that we had cards .. and well , they told us to close our eyes , and think of this one person , that you love , it could be more than one . But they told us , if you ever wanted the chance to tell this person that you need them in your life , that you want them in your life , and that you love them , and that you care , now is the time , We want you to write in those cards to this person , and give it to them . And I wrote 2 , one for Nikki , and one for this special someone who has always been in my heart . And I will give this card to that special someone , first thing Monday . But looking back at the Power Shuffle , it was really hard . It made people look around and realize , that we all aren't alone . Every one's lives aren't perfect . Everyone has somebody out there that's going through or has been through the same thing that you're going through or went through . And in the end we were all holding each other and we were united as a family . Challenge Day was the best .

A couple weeks after Monday: After that day , that special someone finally talked to me after the longest time , and though it was just a mere 10 minutes . I cherished every moment , and I was more than happy . Probably the most I can ever be . I'm done hiding & I know you know that ,
Thanks for being there , ilylots Gerry Cercado .

Love: a sickenning disease . Thank you for the continuous Pain & Rehab G____ C______

Note: This blog post is very personal , and you must be wondering , why would you show it to the world , and really it's me talking about what's been going on , And really I have nothing to hide , if you're willing to read this , it shows how much you care , If you're gunna judge me & call me stupid , go ahead , I don;t care, cause at least I know what love is like for me , Love's different for everybody & at least I know the heartaches & pains that come along with it . This is not meant to offend anyone .

Love , is something that traps you , like quicksand , you can't get out . It pulls you & pulls you more into it's deadly sealed oxygenless mud . And you can't get out . You can never stop loving someone , if you truly did love that person . You really can never stop loving them . I can't even describe the feeling I have / been having . Ever since that day ..

I haven't been blogging for a while , so I think I should give the update . Let's start from the beginning: I broke up with Chris , I didn't love him , I thought I did , but I didn't & why stay with someone if you don't love them , that's just stupid . How would you feel if someone stayed with you because they felt bad ? And to add on to that quagmire , you love someone else ? He didn't deserve someone like me , even if he wasn't such a good boyfriend at times , pulling the guilt trip on me , yelling at me , making me feel like nothing , just so much unneeded pain ...

I Love You: So then I got back together with Gerry , prolly a week after the Pacquiao party at Khrizzlle's and everything was great , no , AMAZING there were a little bit of rumors & drama here and there , but it's okay , it didn't matter , all that mattered was that I was with the one that I really truly loved . I was FINALLY happy . I've always loved him , I thought I gotten over him , but never ever did for the longest time , I was living through lies . And I was unhappy . I could never ever be happier than I was when I finally got back with him , I can't even describe how happy he made me , every single time just seeing him gave me way to much butterflies . People always tell me all this shit about him , & give me a list load of reasons why I shouldn't even like him at all , let alone love him , but I could honestly care less . When people saw this it's like wow typical relationship , she doesn't even love him . Honestly , I've been through so many broken & fucked up relationships , I've been yelled at , put down , degraded , treated as an animal , and physically & mentally abused . And I've put up with all that bullshit with my my past boyfriends , just because I loved them so much to put up with it . I have so much experience . But I really do love him I've never loved anyone as much as I loved him , being with G____ opened my eyes to who I really loved , & who really cared for me . It hurts so much just to type his name . But I was finally happy , I've never felt for anybody that way , I don't know if I'd consider him my first love but he's the closest to it I cared about him so much , I wanted to be there with him be there for him , we were both content everything was going so well. And then not even a month came (it didn't feel like a month to me at all) we had such a good start , and then we started hitting bumpy roads , there wasn't a couple calls , I started worrying & jumping to conclusions . I didn't want to lose him again . then school came , I did some stupid stuff the days before , did anything I could to take my mind off of it so I don't do anything hasty & assume . I decided to go first , and told him, "Babe .. We need to talk ." And ofcourse , I could've said it less scary , cause that's the words you hear when you know a break up is coming . But he got scared . So then after school came , & we talked we both realized how it wasn't a good time for a relationship , we both had so much going on in our lives that we can't even focus on each other which really sucked BALLS . I told him about how much it hurts seeing other couples & how they act with each other and how we don't act like that .. we were both worried , but I told him , no matter what I'm always there for him when he needs me , so we kissed & made up ofcourse . GAHD whenever I kiss him it's like my heart stops , it doesn't skip a beat it stops . When he holds my hand it's like instant butterflies , and little jolts all over my body & I can't help but smile . Just being with him , knowing he's mine again & I'm his , just completes me (but I don't need a man to complete me(; ). But then the day I was talking about came , the next day , everything was all good , I was gunna hug him in the morning , I was so happy that we cleared shitt the day before , and I thought everything was all good . He saw me in the morning and said,"Hey I need to talk to you afterschool." & he didn't even hug me , he didn't call me babe , and it was just out of the ordinary . And I was thinking to myself , wthell ? I thought everything was okay , and I was freaking out , I was like "ohh shit , what the F did I do wrong ?!". Then the day passed , And it seemed like he was kind of ignoring me . Then after school came , he met up with me & pulled me aside to the exact spot that we kissed & made up yesterday and there were a couple couples surrounding us making out . And it made me think of the talk we had yesterday . Then he started talking & looking me over , he was having a hard time finding the words to say . I could only remember the few words that came out . "I was thinking ...don't believe in breaks ... I care about you ... wrong time ... not now ... that talk ... I don't want to hurt you ... I love you ... best if we were friends .... " His words were breaking when he said "best if we were friends" when he said that , I turned & started to book it , he grabbed my hands & told me to wait , but I shook it off & ran out of there , I was almost balling . I wasn't even looking at his face , but I could hear the pain enough in his voice . But all that didn't matter to me , the only thing that mattered was getting out of there before he or anyone else saw me balling my eyes out . I loved him so much . That I would do almost anything for him , not because I'm easy but because I loved him . It was like a scene from an epic best selling love story kinda movie . I ran out there & went to the E - Building , I was walking into break club , I usually chill with them after school . Kuya Jon & Mark were waiting for me in the commons down the hall like they usually do , they saw me & they were about to like do some stupid shit and attack me , but then Jon saw me instead of walking how I usually do - (giddy & happy a little bounce into it , sometimes doing a stupid dance move made up by yours truly & Mark & Jon) , Kuya Jon me balling & stopped in his tracks his face turned from happy & smiley to blank , he started walking fast towards me , Mark was watching , then I stopped and they saw me fall to the ground in the middle of the hallway and start sobbing & balling uncontrollably , they both started running , Kuya Mark grabbed my stuff to the commons & ran back , Jon carried me up & pretty much dragged me outside . I spent at least an hour crying in Kuya Jon & Mark's arms outside while they kept telling me how G____'s a player , how he just used me , how he didn't even care about me , how he's not worth it , honestly they just made it a whole lot worse . Honestly I felt used , I felt like a tool , I felt like he didn't care for me , I felt like I was just another girl to him , another girl he could break down , I kept thinking to myself , "WTF ! you should've never gone back out with him , you're stupid , Look what he did to you ?! You sacrificed so much for him , you went through all of that bullshit with Chris , just to be with him , cause you love him , you're so stupid , he screwed you over ! You're such an easy HOE , wow , he made you do things you would've never done , EVER , and you went with him , and he screwed you over , he hit it & left . He used you , you're so stupid ." They took me inside cause it was raining & cold & Jon& Mark's arms were soaked with tears , then Fatnat & Zach saw me crying and took me and sat me in a chair . I explained the whole thing to Zach & Fatnat & Jon & Mark . Jon got HELLUH pissed he punched shit , & Zach went to go talk to G____ . It was annoying that day cause everyone kept trying to make me happy & stop crying , Kuya CJ , Kuya EJ , Kuya Mark , Kuya Jon , Kuya Zach , Kuya Bradley , I was getting so annoyed , I just wanted to keep crying. But ever since that day me & G____ haven't been talking . Zach's been serving as our messenger . But it's so hard , when I'm in class with him I can't even stay in the class room without breaking down, like the next day after the breakup I had to go out of Egbert's advisory & cry outside the classroom , whats worse , in math , we had to get new seats and guess who I had to sit by ? Him . Ever since that day , I stayed up EVERY night crying myself to exhaustion till I fell asleep , the most amount of sleep I usually got was 2 hours , the least is 30 minutes . I've tried so many things just to get me to go to sleep , I didn't eat at all , it killed my body , I wasn't taking care of myself , Some things were coming up in my health . I was dead , I tried isolating myself from people , I didn't go to lunch , I stayed in the E - Building . It was just utterly stupid & unnecessary but I couldn't help it . Even Kuya Raymart came to the E-Building to hold me & talk to me about everything , cause me & him were talking the other day about our situations , his talk helped a bit . But then again weeks been passing and Zach's told me numerous times that he still loves me so much , & that he totally regrets breaking up with me , like sooooo much , but he knows its for the best because he says he can't support himself and how the hell is he going to support me ? Every body's been telling him how stupid he is & I agree , they keep telling him that was a stupid reason to break up with me for , and he even admits it . I was depressed for months , its march now , & I am still depressed . I am just fed up with feeling this way . Sometimes I hate being emotional , most of the time I wish I was shallow . I wish I never met love , I wish instead of the flavor death by chocolate , there was a death by love , surely I would love to vent with that as my best friend . I wish I never loved him . I wish I never loved you G____ C______ , cause then I wouldn't be going through all of this bull shit & pain . My love for you , is my drive for you . You know why I go through this pain ? Do you know why I put up with it ? Because I utterly , undeniably love you . I hate that I do , but I just can't help it . ughh ;

FML .