Past vs. Recent

WOW . That is all I can say .. So much has been happening ever since 120608 ; After the Pacquaio party , it's like some messed up roller coaster . There are HUGE ups and HUGE downs . Its like steep ups & downs . A former relationship I had kind of sparked up again at that little party . It messed up my now ex relationship very very bad .. But then again it opened my eyes to who really cared about me . I mean , when you're in the moment with that first , and feelings rush back , you can't help but reminisce . And that was one of the best nights I have ever had . We got left in the room , and started clearing things up about the past , we started confessing everything , just EVERYTHING . Everything got cleared , and we started fresh , new , all over again . I've been so blind before , I never gave my past a chance , when it could have been something actually special and different . And after all that , and throughout all that time we both have never really gotten over each other , we moved on sure , but deep down inside , in the back of our minds , we never gotten over each other , those feelings were always there , that flame , that spark . If there was not flame there , then there would be no flame to spark , is that right . And my most recent ex is just UGH . My besties / cousins made me realize who I should really be with who I really do love , she helped me out so much . How my just most recent was such a jerk toward me when I could only spend an hour or 2 with him , and my past was undeniably happy to be able to just sit beside me , and just stand near me , or just even look / see me . And how when I was with the past he never gave me attitude he was never a jerk , he never made me cry , we never ever had a fight , because there was nothing to fight about , we didn't even break up , people broke us up , and he was always faithful & honest to me . But with my recent , it was way different . He was a jerk to me every night , I cried every night , and my mother was so upset , she even told me ,"All I see you ever do is cry every night over that boy , I don't want you to waste your tears on that boy , What happened to my daughter I don't even know you ." I went through so much unnecessary drama , I put up with his attitude and everything . I make one mistake and I get yelled at by him - to add on to that , my mom yells at me cause I'm crying - he called me a lot of derogatory terms , and told me that I never ever cared for or loved him . I was so put down , and he was never there for me , when I was always there for him . Throughout all that , the only guy that was actually there for me in the end was my past . My recent made me go through so much drama & so much pain these past few days , giving me the guilt trip and all this other bulls*** . He was going to commit suicide till I called the police on his a** . And along with that , I had family problems and all this other shizz . Now there's rumors going around about me and the past , we kept it on the "DL" and now , not just my recent is talking shit about me , but allot of people are thinking helluh low of me . SO much things that aren't true . And its just eating me alive . This is just too much for me . The best I can do is just put on a smile for everyone , the only people that really truly do know is the true friends . I know I can get through this , in time it'll work , I just have to be patient , but it's just so hard . It hurts . It hurts me so much , it hurts my friends , the people around me , my family . And I can't live with myself if someone is hurt because of me . They don't deserve that . No one deserves to get hurt by me .